I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days about the delicate nature of love and falling in love with a person. I used to think, when I was young, that you only could be in love, really in love, with one person in your life. And I know now that’s not true. You can love many people in your life. That does not diminish the importance of the relationships or the emotions you feel for those people. The point is to find the one person that you CAN and WILL love forever. I am learning from my own experiences with readying myself for love, and trying to be ever patient for it, that it is easy to become subjective to wanting to be with someone and someone’s actions toward you. It can get extremely confusing and frustrating, honestly. You think this guy or girl is really liking you, and your reasoning for thinking that is solid to you. You gather the courage from deep within to express the way you feel, and in actuality, they were being their natural friendly self to you and see you totally in a platonic light. It’s okay. You are not wrong or stupid for thinking that or feeling how you felt. The time and space simply were not right. That is what I have to understand. I cannot control everything when it comes to love, if anything. I can only prepare myself, watch, listen, and wait.
At this point in the year, I’m done with school. I’ve never been this ready to get out of school for the summer in my life. It’s been an extremely long year, and though it is so close to the end, it’s still so far away and there is so much left to be accomplished. It’s been a real test of my faith, perseverance, and strength. I’ve been fighting all year. I’m tired. I honestly just want to be left alone with my thoughts.
It seems as though there is always something more important than my well being. Be it school, work, family, finances, or worrying about my future, I’m always at the bottom of the list. I can never move about, doing what I want, in my own time because there is always someone or something that needs my attention. My friends can go off at a moment’s notice to experience the special things that make life unforgettable. And we make plenty of memories, don’t get me wrong, but it would be so nice to have that type of freedom. Having responsibilities, especially those forced upon you, really sucks sometimes. And I’m quite sick of bearing the brunt of people’s disregard. It will not happen anymore.
I am a strong woman. I bend and flex into all sorts of roles because that’s what I do. Admittedly, I do relish in being the caregiver. My maternal side is one of my favorite parts of myself. That doesn’t mean that people should take it for granted. And the happiness, and sanity, of myself takes precedence… NOW.
I just want to be left alone, so I can finish this semester and get to Africa. And you know what? I’m tired. I’m tired of giving my time and energy and not getting anything back from anyone. I’m tired of being tired. I run myself ragged every week and it’s exhausting. I’m done. I don’t want to say that I’ll start being selfish, but the preservation of self will DEFINITELY be more prevalent. Let people deal with their own crap. It’s not my job. I keep telling alleged “Grown” people that, but they don’t seem to get it. I have to be the adult among selfish a** baby acting folks and I’m through with it. I’ve been livid, angry, pissed, infuriated even, sad, depressed. I’m done living life for you. Leave me alone.